The Indian Blogger

Akshay Kumar is currently one of the most popular actors in the country. He delivers 3-4 hits every year, and is also in the film industry’s top earners list.

But he forgot one thing. Ben Parker once (in 2002) said “with great power comes great responsibility”. And God knows how many times his wife or his annoying spider of a nephew has repeated it. But none of them has any idea as to what dimensions the very same line implies in, in a huge, crowded peninsular country far away from their land. In a place where thousands of cultures exist, claim “unity in diversity”, and yet each culture defies the next one. And no. Culture, here, doesn’t mean culture. Culture means a millenia-old tradition (which, mind you, is flawless, and knows no system of correction or improvisation), tradition means religion and religion means law. In a place where God is not a belief, God is a rule.

Few days back, I was having a humorous conversation with a friend regarding English parodies. Suddenly, the question arose that why such parodies or spoofs were not so frequent or, rather, non-existent in the Indian film and TV industry. And suddenly, I already had the answer. Let’s consider a scenario where Mr.A produces / directs / acts in a movie (X), which results into one of the biggest flops of the year, and becomes a laughing matter. Then, Mr.B produces / directs / acts in a movie (Y), which is a mocking parody of Mr.A’s movie, and turns out to be actually funny, and much more entertaining than the original movie.

1) Case 1 (Location : The land of Mr. Parker):

The movie Y goes on to be a hit with the audience, and becomes the biggest blockbuster of the year. Mr.B is appreciated for his comic performance, and the concept is also largely praised. Mr.A and Mr.B have a nice laugh about the whole issue, and so does the whole of the viewer mass. Both Mr.A and Mr.B, later go on to produce / direct / act in other movies, in a way most usual.

2) Case 2 (Location : The land of Mr. Kumar):

A day before the release, multiple defamation and copyright infringement lawsuits are filed on movie Y, by never-heard-of people. Songs, scenes, even costumes are claimed to be stolen. News channels keep flashing the “Breaking News”, and Mr.B’s long journey of apologizing to any and everyone starts.

On the day of the release, half of Mr.A’s supporters go on an indefinite fast, and demand for the movie to be banned in the country. The other half start disrupting shows at randomly selected cinema halls, and indulge in burning effigies of Mr.B, which are very conveniently available everywhere. Then Mr.B publicly apologizes at a press conference and relates to the public how “I had no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings or sentiments. But if I have done so, I am very sorry.”

But the mob still hasn’t had enough. A hundred men (surprisingly, all fitting the description of a ‘Bouncer’) rush to Mr.B’s house and start pelting stones. They also, somehow, find and manage to overturn a police vehicle, and put it to fire, while the police department ensures that safety had prevailed and they had everything under control. Few arrests are made, but can never be traced to any specific person. Mr.B, then makes a public appearance on a news channel, at a temple, a gurudwara, and a mosque, and apologizes everywhere. He then saves the life of a boy falling from a cliff. Mr.A, then, finally makes a public appearance, only to say “No comments please”.

Next comes the retaliation. It’s now the turn of Mr.B’s supporters to interfere in the construction of Mr.A’s new house, while Mr.B himself is involved in creating two groups in the industry using friends and the media. Mr. C, D, E, F, G and H, now write consecutive articles for a popular daily, and very cunningly declare their alliance with either of the group, whereas Mr. I (a newcomer) declares how “I respect both of them and believe that both would have justified reasons for their actions.” A week later, Mr.A’s new movie is announced, which is (incidentally) a satire and the victim seems strikingly similar to Mr.B. So much so, even the character is named “Mr.Bee.”

The next week starts with Mr.B campaigning for his ‘favorite’ and ‘most reliable’ political leader, and infallibly mentioning how “I don’t believe in slinging mud on others unlike some other actors in the industry.” Another week later, we have Mr.B now contesting for the elections himself, and Mr.A joining the party already in power, and contesting in the same constituency. Suddenly, Mr.B is found to have committed many crimes while pursuing his career, and inconsistencies are found in his Balance Sheet. Many a verbal fight later, a man is arrested for attempting to murder Mr.A, and on further investigation, he is found to be an aide of a Mr. Chhota Shikaal.

How Mr.A showed his true colors or how Mr.B is such a jackass, become the dinner-discussion topics in every middle-class home, and the only news worth first page and prime time. Ten weeks later, the IPL kicks off, and no one has even a hint as to who Mr.A or Mr.B is.

This is where we live. In a land with such a scarcity of a sense of humor, that popularizing a brand of unbuttoned jeans is termed “obscenity” and “indecency”, while manhandling and literally throwing out girls of a pub is considered “Desh-Seva“. In a land where making a hearty joke about Mr. Manoj Kumar’s style of acting is “disrespecting your seniors”, where a 10-second scene in a movie can spark off multiple bomb blasts. Where each and every line a public figure speaks is scrutinized so carefully, that even a slip of tongue can result in “inter-culture” riots. People, grow up!

The only thing left worth laughing is our own selves.

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